Saturday, December 31, 2011

Heart's bubbling over with all the emotion that is evoked at the sheer beauty of this music. How could something so simple draw out so much? Incredible.

The new year's about to be ushered in, and aptly brought to a close in the company of the dearest people to me, and on a note of reflection thanks to a wonderfully planned retreat. Thank You for bringing me back to You, for the rediscovery of all these beautiful truths, for the honesty You've allowed me to face up to myself with. Let me be pure in intention when I share all of this with others, although I do want to bring them to You.

I shall resolve not to indulge myself solely in the beauty of the music and work to uncover the gems of faith which you plant within it...I will challenge myself and learn to recognise Your face in all things, and challenge those around me to do the same.

Happy new year, and thank You for coming in different forms to us, being different things to us based on who we are, based on our individual weaknesses and strengths, brokenness and experiences. For coming to us where we are, to the point of choosing to humble Yourself in human form. Emmanuel!

@10.24pm
Saturday, October 22, 2011

God :) thanks for being with me even when I'm feeling so distant from You.
Thank You for the rush of excitement I get when thinking about social policy, my racing heartbeat, my desire to work hard to make a difference.

You've clearly been by my side... The conversion from econs to social work was amazing, but what blows me away even more is the fact that I've come full circle, back to policy, back to equity... By bringing me to social work, You've affirmed my love for econs, You've put me in the best place I could be to work for equity... I'm so thankful, so thankful.

You've blessed me infinitely. You've never made it difficult for me to follow Your will. In fact... Your will truly is what's best for me, what makes me most happy... I know it now.
You've been so good to me. So good to me. I'm so sorry, so sorry for hurting You. Please... help me keep You in sight.

"It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal."

O Lord, I want to do so much... through You, for the people You love. Through policy, through research, through the skills and gifts You've so generously bestowed upon me... interpersonal skills, music, intelligence, food-related skills, joy, love...

Keep me rooted in You always.

@1.24pm
Saturday, September 24, 2011

Doing more in service, but feeling more distant than I've been in a while.

@12.38am
Tuesday, September 20, 2011

SO EXCITED ABOUT FINDING THAT STUDY that I’m literally jumping up and down in my room.

I hope that this research will do you proud, Lord, and bring us towards a culture where the state serves the family, and not the other way round.

Help me make a difference; give me the courage to do what is right, and wisdom to recognize the truth when I see it.

May I be an instrument to bring the truth that You preach to this country! SO HAPPY TO BE CATHOLIC!!

@11.31pm
Sunday, September 18, 2011

"Jesus says her sins are now forgiven. It was really the passionate love she was showing which indicated that she had won forgiveness. Love and sin are incompatible; they cannot co-exist in the same person. She was loving Jesus so much at that moment that she could not be a sinner."

@10.52pm
Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Over the past month a lot has happened - or at least, a lot has been going on. School has really taken over full force, and I've just been running around from place to place, my mind constantly thinking about thesis; about social work and politics; about having to clear my huge list of things to do.

And during these stressful times the memory of songs from my younger days really takes me back to my simpler past, when the burden of responsibility hadn't quite gotten so heavy...I just want to escape, through MasterChef, through mystery fiction, through indulgence in my old dreams. Ah, unfulfilled dreams....my not-so-secret love for science keeps re-emerging with that familiar sense of fondness. A dream that is no longer deemed as central to my life, but still an unfulfilled dream nonetheless. Growing up is truly a gradual process.. I cherish the sweet memories but I realise that it's inescapable - with greater knowledge of truth and love comes greater burden and responsibility.

Yesterday, I got the closest I've been in 4 years to carrying out a chemistry experiment. We took a little bottle of HCl and dropped it onto various rock samples to find out which were bioclastic limestones; those with CO3(2-) in them would react to produce CO2 and that strange smelling CaCl2 salt.
...It fizzzzed so beautifully. HAHA.
No regrets taking Planet Earth whatsoever. It's only gonna get more exciting!

***

I yearn to be a scientist in a white lab coat in a lab on my own playing with chemicals
I yearn to wear geeky specs and read geeky articles
While eating a waffle
With a cup of Spinelli coffee always in front of me
Wheee

@9.36am
Monday, August 29, 2011

Uncovered gems from my childhood! Horrible Science and Murderous Maths! AHHHHHHH

@12.30pm
Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Always feel so happy (or perhaps, fulfilled is the better word) after organ lesson, even when I'm so tired before! I've absolutely no regrets for picking it up. So grateful to Kevin :)

Mama's over today! Glad she decided to come today instead of tomorrow, so I get a glimpse of her at least. What sort of elder would I be like? Watching her and how she lives, I feel a bit sad...for the loneliness even when people are all around her; for the lack of very concrete meaning in life. Material things no longer matter - a pretty waterbottle or a nice bag are really the least of her worries. Nice clothes are but temporary ways to cheer her up. We talk to her, but I want to tell her so much more. I wish she would understand, but there're so many things in the way, not least the communication barrier. If anything, I will prize education for its ability to help us connect so much more deeply with others. Still, I love Mama and I will be so devastated when I have to say goodbye one day.

I don't want to be an old person. I don't want to live in constant fear of losing my husband, in fear of losing my friends.

@8.30pm
Sunday, August 21, 2011

I feel like I don’t even have the time to think about anything else right now. My mind is now filled with big plans; lofty ambitions. I find myself seriously considering what I can do to change the world, starting from a lowly thesis. Hahaha. I don’t know if I’m letting my hopes get too high right now. I know too that I can’t just be content to speculate on such a theoretical level without getting to know the realities on the ground. Every reading and lecture seems to be supporting me in some way, and I feel my knowledge base building up bit by bit…

The reading on welfare states really set me thinking. The deliberate selection of each chapter in our social studies textbooks… the failure of the welfare state in Britain, the Catholic-Protestant riots in Ireland… my goodness. So calculated; so manipulative, if I could put it that way. But why? Is it, like what Nick seems to believe, really a conspiracy theory? I wouldn’t really go that far, to be honest. It could just be a case of not wanting to explain rationale or higher ideals to people whom they didn’t think would understand. I can empathise with that. Still, that’s going to have to change soon. Times are changing. The people are becoming more and more educated.

Can’t wait to find out more about Titmuss. He sounds like a fantastic figure with fantastic philosophies and a love for people which manifested itself in his desire to bring about social justice through policy. Wow.

Hot spiced tea to keep me going through the night!

Hmm. I love my Daddy so much!

@10.12pm
Saturday, August 20, 2011

Where my heart lies

I’m not sure if it was because I was tired, or as a result of the placement at MCYS – somehow, I felt like the appeal of direct casework didn’t overwhelm me as it usually could. Then again, it could also be because this was the introductory lecture.

But when Dr Lee started talking about the conceptual elements of systems theory – rules of rules; second-order cybernetics and the likes – I found myself sitting up with renewed interest. Perhaps, this is where my true interest lies.

Jai’s words have been replaying in my head… and maybe he’s right. Maybe I’d feel stifled if I remain in the FSC setting. It seems silly that I would want to choose not to go directly into policy work just because I want to be a model student to Dr Nair. Yes, I respect her a lot as a lecturer and highly capable social worker… but what am I thinking! Is this a manifestation of an unwillingness to offend and a desire for approval?

Concepts and clarity

After completing the reading on these concepts of systems theory, I felt like everything seemed to take a much more defined shape. Before this, systems theory was just a fuzzy idea – we intuitively know what it purports and what is required of caseworkers who utilise it, but it was never more than that. I like that clarity was waiting for me the end of the chapter.

Well then… it now makes more sense why systems theory has been criticised for being so generic that it hardly provides practitioners with concrete steps to take in their intervention with clients. To provide practitioners with concrete steps would be to defy its underlying framework and principle – that of constructed reality and subjective truth as defined by the system itself. “Attempting to provide a family therapy cookbook is to commit an epistemological error based on a linear epistemology.”


Policy work sounds so lovely right now. It’s everything I’ve dreamed of put together – science; economics; social work. Truly… I think I may just have discovered where my heart lies. I just hope I’m not over-romanticising it.

@9.25pm
Wednesday, August 17, 2011

More and more I really have to say that I can see exactly where Fr Alex was coming from when he said that only in loving thyself would one be able to love others as well; in expecting too much of thyself, one would naturally impose those expectations on others. Observing my own reactions to some of the decisions and actions of friends around me has led me to realise that I come down especially hard on those who in some way remind me of my more childish self, or exhibit flaws which I personally am unable to embrace in myself just yet..

Glad I said yes to playing for Assumption Mass on Monday though :) really a lesson learnt in refraining from jumping and judging.

***

On a happy note, I finally managed to get a supervisor for thesisssss :))) really a pity Dr Irene Ng couldn't take any more students, but I'm so glad Dr Alex Lee agreed :) so nice and grandfatherlyy (happily jumps around!!)

@10.40am
Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I made my way into the room as quietly as I could to avoid waking Mer up (how nice it is that she finally has a regular work schedule and wake-up time!), feeling my way through the darkness and around my table to get my stapler. For some reason my sometimes unnecessarily active mind started to conclude: the sense of touch must be one of the least useful of the five! I take so much longer to do something when I rely solely on it. But I took back the statement immediately as thoughts of how cruel life could be without it came to mind. Ah...moment of randomness.

Returned to her empty room with it and stapled the handouts I needed. Yayy! I think I'm almost set. It's only the first day of school and I'm already fretting. Spent the last hour or so packing my bag, printing tomorrow's lecture notes, and settling my primitive excel template in preparation to list down everything I need to do and the important dates I need to take note of. Excited. Thinking back on the productive day I had (albeit in a non-academic way), I'm certain that life would be so terribly dull and meaningless without work to do! Here's to being co-creators with God!

@1.08am
Saturday, August 06, 2011

The moment I saw that dismissive response, the anger immediately started rising.. limited though my knowledge may be, I know - this is one potentially significant step we're taking towards reclaiming the beautiful traditions which we lost in the overliberalisation brought forth by the Second Vatican Council. But the ignorance and self-centredness of leaders and musicians actually put us in such a predicament? We're just going to throw away this opportunity "because it sounds weird"; "because it costs the parish money to purchase these booklets"; "because of 'pastoral considerations' and the preferences of our congregation"?

My heart really aches thinking of the struggle; the sheer resistance we need to overcome to implement such a Spirit-filled revision. O God, is this anything like how You feel when You're willing to give everything for our good and we refuse to take it, because of our human frailty, ignorance, and utter foolishness?

I really need the grace to respond in a charitable way without compromising the truth which I am determined to stand for.

@10.42pm


"One of the oddest things in life, as we all know, is the way that when you have heard a thing mentioned, within twenty-four hours you nearly always come across it again." Like Mark Easterbrook from The Pale Horse, I think I experienced an instance of that this morning too.

While sourcing for an activity to exhibit the power of groupthink for CG 1, I came across a paragraph on a webpage discussing the relative inefficiency of the conscious mind as opposed to the unconscious. And out of the mass of thoughts fighting to take center-stage in my mind on the return leg of my run, it clicked: that must be why practice makes perfect...! After the initial labour of constantly repeating a particular action (whether one is driving, sight reading, solving mathematical equations or practicing a basketball layup), one is able to commit the precise movements to memory and execute them almost flawlessly through the unconscious mind! Truly fascinating. It reawakens in a small way my interest in psychology.

@7.41pm
Wednesday, July 27, 2011

After spending 7 hours at the hospital, I come away feeling more determined than ever to work my HbA1c down to under 7% by September. I just couldn't help feeling like I was being treated in such a disempowering manner - I know they have good intentions but I can't run away from comparing the treatment here with the confidence which the team at KKH had in me, confidence which gave me added motivation to really take care of myself. Now, all that's being evoked is irrational rebellion. I never expected to have to go through mini lectures on what hypoglycemia and simple carbohydrates are after 10 years. Tried to analyse why I'm reacting this way, and I think a large part of it is because I didn't really properly say goodbye to Dr Yap. Truly; any transaction, when enhanced by relationship, means so much more.

I suppose it's good news that everything else doesn't seem to be posing a problem...it did scare me to see survivors of amputations. Losing a limb would be more painful than death, I think. And now that I've another huge reason to keep them all intact..

Speaking of which, tomorrow's official lesson no.1! I can't waitttttt!! :)

@5.25pm
Friday, July 22, 2011

After finishing the Oscar Wilde fairy tales (yay!) I felt the urge to pick up my mystery books again, so I started on an untouched Hercule Poirot novel. And my goodness...I really do miss this feeling of being transported into a whole different world with different sights, different sounds; a culture of its own (gosh...the power of fiction. You were right, as usual). Reading it in my rather dim, orange-lit room with the curtains drawn and the sky darkened makes me secretly wish that I were really there.

Happily indulging in my own fantasies of living in Europe as a young adult without a care in the world. I suppose that's the same reason why movies have the appeal they do. Even boardgames, judging from last Sunday. Healthy escapism, haha.

@12.02pm


A lovely morning spent :) started my day with my Priority and followed it with a quiet breakfast of eggs, toast and tea. mmmmm. this is the life. Will I be able to live like this when I grow up? Sadly, I don't really think I would.

And so I have decided!!! Since I have so many things I want to do right now, but I have the same 24 hours a day as everyone else, I shall endeavour to wake up earlier every single day, and spend less time lazing around or pressing the snooze button. It really feels like I'm buying time. Ahh.. This moment in which I make friends with my ex-nemesis, Mr. Alarm Clock, will be remembered always as a significant turning point in my life.

Happy Friday! Off to bake :D

@8.27am
Monday, July 18, 2011

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word

@9.43am
Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What is social work to me?

Social work is the endeavour to better the lives of the marginalised in society within a person-in-environment framework and the structures in place. It seeks to improve the fit between the individual and his environment so as to maximise his potential, and intervention may be remedial, preventive, or developmental in nature.

Because of this unique person-in-environment perspective – that which differentiates social work from other helping professions – intervention can take place on more than one level: on the personal level, the environmental level, or both. When done on a micro level, social work involves collaboration with the client system in order to reach agreed upon goals; such intervention is specific to the client system and is not generalizable to wider society.

However, such intervention may sometimes be insufficient, especially if the root of the problem is entrenched in structures which propagate disadvantage or prevent improvement - in this case, the environment would have to be modified. Macro-level social work can take the form of class advocacy and research, with the ultimate aim of influencing social policy to bring about positive change in the environment of a client population.

***

I'm such a freak for all the organising and thinking I've been doing! I wonder if my colleagues are curious as to why my brow is perpetually furrowed and why I seem to be constantly typing away at something or reading something even though I've hardly been assigned to do anything yet. I think Jai's going to hate me for all the long-winded writing I've been doinggg but it's okay, I shall savour the satisfaction of ticking off a to-do list

@12.43am
Monday, May 09, 2011

Despite how I started out feeling so miserable, I realise that You'd been there for me the whole time: right from the start, when I thought about how we're social creatures and found confirmation of the truth (and even more!) in my social work readings; at lunch, when the girls started talking about wisdom teeth extraction just when I was feeling most alienated because of all the work-talk and even in the surprising crucifixion interpretation Dong-Ill Shin had to offer for the dark, haunting Durufle piece, You made sure I wasn't too lonely :)

It was a good day. I renewed my love for the profession, and rediscovered the wonder of the universality and eternal nature of the truths which our faith teaches. Thoughtful smses from wonderful concerned friends also got me through when I was shrivelling up from the lack of social interaction....hahahaha. Yu Jin the in-lieu supervisor really tried hard to make me feel at home.. and reminds me so much of Yeow Hwee. I miss him!!

Tomorrow will be a good day again. Readings, here I come!

@12.41am
Sunday, May 08, 2011

Just found out that a social work classmate has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. It stunned me for a few minutes.. I can't believe how fragile life is. She was a happy bubbly girl. Probably was quite healthy too, given that she was vegetarian. And yet.. I just can't believe it

@6.57pm