Wednesday, September 15, 2010

God

I’m filled with dark emotions.

Simplicity – have I lost sight of that? Weren’t you the simplest of all? Wasn’t Mother Teresa simple even when it came to basic necessities? Why do I feel almost compelled to accumulate all that knowledge? Aquinas lectures. Bible study. Christian apologetics. Why do I fantasise about being in a position of power? Of convincing, of converting, of... winning?

I try to stop myself... and then I realise that even being the gentlest of persons places me in the position of power. Too easily, I am able to manipulate. I am able to steer things in the direction I want to take it to, without looking as though I’d done so. I am able to bring people on my side if I wanted to. It doesn’t take that much.. Is that what makes me a good social worker? That ability, coupled with some good intention? Manipulate. Such a dirty word.

I am troubled. I'm taken everywhere, but nowhere. I... don’t know where I’m going.

@1.32am