Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It was much less cloudy today, and after completing my tasks for the day I took a nice shower and made my way downstairs for some much needed quiet time, also holding on to the hope that I would be able to see the stars tonight.

I was disappointed by my not-really-that-perfect-afterall eyesight.. I had to squint to see the stars, and I wasn't sure whether the faint glows were simply creations of my imagination. And so I went up to grab my spectacles and went back down. To my pleasant surprise, the moment I stepped out of my block I was greeted by Orion's belt - the almost-colinear three stars were unmissable, now that I had my specs on. Happiness!

And this led to another thought. Perhaps, the faith acts somewhat as a pair of glasses for us through which we view the world in its truest, purest form. I've found my perspectives changing accordingly as I grow in greater appreciation of the faith, and observing the way random people around me react to things and thinking back on how I used to be give me further affirmation that I've grown closer to God.

It was a beautiful night. Because it was past 10pm when I was downstairs most of the lights were turned off, and the water was completely still. By the time I reached the fifth decade, the clouds in the sky had dispersed, revealing at least 30 stars which were visible to the naked eye. My eyes were fixed on the special-est three for most part of the time I spent by the pool.. What a way to end off the day!

@11.16pm
Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I received the sms and decided to go downstairs for a stroll. It was really enjoyable to take a walk in the tranquility and coolness of the night, with nothing but the sound of flowing water as background music. During the 40 minutes or so I spent downstairs, a lot went through my mind. Memories replayed and brought a smile to my face more than once, and some of them made me miss him a little more.

I ended up sitting by the pool, taking in the beauty of the surroundings. The upward resistive forces of the water acted against my calves and applied slight pressure on them, which felt quite good. I watched attentively as the water waves gently interfered with each other, and felt the heat from the wood radiate around my legs, in pleasant juxtaposition with the chilliness of the water. Ahhh really so beautiful. I love these moments. Not only do they facilitate reflection, they are also in some ways therapeutic, reversing the harm such a fast-paced life does to our spirituality. Gosh I do love Summerhill.. really the nicest place to live in.

Alright.. Back to the cards. Interestingly enough, writing christmas cards has made it even more obvious who are closest to me, and this isn't just based on the people I choose to write to. Even amongst close friends, I find the varying content of the cards very telling of the depth of the friendship and the kinds of experiences I've had with the person. And there are those who I love dearly but find no need to write cards to. Oh 21st Dec, please come quickly.

***

Oh gosh you make me so happy. Just read the posts on our wall-to-wall. Hahaha. :D

@10.10pm


It's been a dreary day. Spent most of it sleeping and thinking of ideas for my christmas cards.. Though I've been waiting for an off-day like this for some time now I still feel like there's so much to do, and I can hardly kick back and really relax. Tying up loose ends for carolling and ADVENTure is giving me a slight headache. The sky's clouding over...

I suppose I shouldn't be complaining though, given how tiring yesterday was. Started the day off feeling oddly empty and slightly sad but carolling prac forced me to buck up and take control. Headed to town with Jem then whiled away a few hours following him around to a few places to get his christmas shopping done. I managed to collect my books from the Toy Outpost and bought some art materials for the cards as well. Then I sat myself down at the basement of The Cathay and rested before mass started at 5.30pm.

Though I had to try very hard not to fall asleep during mass, it was a good mass. Reading the article Dom posted on his blog has really changed my entire take on mass hymns and their place in the eucharistic celebration.. I found myself beaming in approval at the choice of the entrance hymn (Glory and praise to our God) and refusing to sing the verses of Here I am, Lord at the end of mass.

Had an enjoyable time in the evening with Fifi, Jo, Jelly, Eugene and Stef! We had Handburgers and sat around for a few hours trying to decide our "menu" (which includes a christmas tree HAHA) for the 26th. Looking forward to that. :D

Tired.. Sigh.

@5.46pm
Sunday, December 13, 2009

And so I say goodbye to Sunday the 13th. Today I grappled with the awkward combination of anticipation and dread. Anticipation for confirmation mass, for which we've been practising quite a bit.. And dread because tomorrow's the 14th. The 14th also marks the beginning of the most hectic week of this holiday for me.

Started the day off at St Mary's.. Handed the money box and keys over to Uncle Peter and got paid (yay!) for last week's help. He also very kindly got me a present. My first christmas present, hahaa. Asked him to help me to check out Chesterton's complete Father Brown series.. Hopefully he can get it. Got another book with the money he paid me with haha. Gosh. I want to hideaway and read it.. And my stack of unfinished/unopened new books.

As I get to know Uncle Peter better I realised something about him.. Although he does ask about me, most of the time, he's talking about himself and his own experiences.. and sharing about his own viewpoints on matters. It got me thinking.. Perhaps, well-read people are more susceptible to the sin of pride. Afterall, they've a lot more knowledge to back their claims up.. That would surely reduce the chances of them being wrong or saying stupid things. It wouldn't help to be one of the leading authorities on particular matters as well. Being seen as open to all other opinions might be taken to be a sign of weakness, or of a lack of assertiveness and confidence in one's own opinion. I wonder how intellectuals like popes and members of the clergy struggle with this problem.

I went for lunch by myself at Ah Seah and had my lamb chops.. Next to me there was a man ravenously gobbling down his bowl of noodles.. And I felt a pang of pity for him, and this was followed by guilt.. Us humans have this amazing propensity to worry about things. We just move on from one worry to another, never failing to find some reason to whine. Looking at the man reminded me of how blessed I am in so many ways, and how I just fail to give thanks enough. There're people out there finding it difficult to make ends meet and satisfy even the most basic need of food..

Mass went pretty well.. Everything was more or less smooth. Unexpected moments of grace hit me again.. When Father William lifted the Bible (it is a bible right??) up I felt God's presence so strongly. I remembered once again that we were standing for the gospel acclamation to welcome His real presence in our midst - to acknowledge that we believe that He is risen again. I've been tearing up very often during masses of late. I suppose that with greater appreciation of this wonderful celebration it's difficult not to be blown away by the beauty of the mass and of the celebrants.

As the Archbishop was marking the confirmands with the Chrism, some internal dialogue went on in my mind again, and I'm not sure what the train of thoughts were which led to my realisation that it's never an easy thing to be open to the will of God. People can go around boasting about being all for God and doing his work, but I'd have my doubts about them. For I know it's so much easier to simply gloss over, rationalise, and close up. Perhaps it really cannot be considered a sacrifice unless it hurts.

***

Yesterday, I looked up and saw Orion's Belt for the second day in a row. I was very pleasantly surprised.. Perhaps we aren't and won't be that far away from each other. At least we're all still living under the same sky. I'll be waiting for the 19th.

@11.07pm