Sunday, February 11, 2007

i think i'm going mad.. really.. i want everything back to normal.. i'm so stressed i can even not wanna go to school.. i wanna do well but i have no time to study.. i'm going crazy.. basketball is killing me.. i wish i don't care so much.. i wish i could have the sort of encouragement from the basketball team as i had from gerald jonathan guang and everyone there.. although we weren't really friends they really made me feel confident and good about myself.. i kinda miss them....

i wanna cry all the time.. i really need to.. to let everything out.. but if i do my eyes would go all swollen and i won't be able to do my homework.. what a horrible vicious cycle..

i'm going mad.. i want the world to be a more beautiful place.. i feel like crying when i pass by those people who sell tissues and everything for a living.. and i feel even sadder when i know that i can't help them much.. especially when i have no money to give.. i'm really depressed.. i think i should be the one popping pills to make myself feel better..i wanna grow up and earn money so that i can help people.. i wanna do well so that i can get good grades and work as a chemist and discover new medicines.. i really really want to.. and i didn't get into H3.. why? i didn't do worse than them.. i did better in chem.. same A level points.. i want to cry again.. and even my family will get sick of it...

i wish i could be happy.. like when i'm playing with the water and sponges.. so happy that i induce others around me to be happier.. i wanna be my sec four self.. except for the lazy part.. i need time.. i need help.. i need support... i need to cry and cry...

i came to blog about this just because i read the front page of a very old newspaper article.. about the millions or billions of people who died in war.. or women who are mistreated.. or people who die from diseases.. or people living in poverty.. i am really really really sad and i can't take the weight.. oh no.. i think i won't be able to do homework later....

no one will understand how i feel.. i shouldn't have shunned people ever.. so now i will not be cold to alvin or anyone whom people shun.. i will try my hardest to treat them like i want people to treat me.. i wanna go to church more often.. but i don't have the time.. i'm really really sad....

my class... how many people can i truly get along with.. the world.. who really cares for me? i seriously seriously think that i'm depressed.. i need help.... listening to songs or watching tv can even make me cry... typing a blogging entry can even make me cry... a single thought can make me cry..... i hate this.. i need to study.....

i'm so sad.. somebody please help me....