Saturday, November 11, 2006

if you're not the one

if you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
if you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
if you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all

i never know what the future brings but i know you're here with me now
we'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with

i don't wanna run away but i can't take it i don't understand
if i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
is there any way that i can stay in your arms

if i don't need you then why am i crying on my bed
if i don't need you then why does your name resound in my head
if you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life
if you're not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife

i don't know why you're so far away but i know that this much is true
we'll make it through and i hope you are the one i share my life with
and i wish that you could be the one i die with
and i'm praying you're the one i build my home with
i hope i love you all my life

i don't wanna run away but i can't take it i don't understand
if i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
is there any way that i can stay in your arms

cos i miss you
body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
and i breathe you
into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
cos i love you
whether it's wrong or right
and though i can't be with you tonight
you know my heart is by your side

i don't wanna run away but i can't take it i don't understand
if i'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am
is there any way that i can stay in your arms..


oh wow.. i didn't realise how much i missed this song.. somehow, it just has this magical ability to bring me back to reality.. makes me feel down to earth again.. though i never really feel that i'm not.. not consciously anyway.. i was listening to it repeatedly on my way home from newton after a day out with ying qing and jing yi.. and i felt refreshed.. it was great.. walking slowly in the light rain and listening to my all time favourite song.. sigh.. everytime i listen to it i think 'oh my gosh.. what a beautiful song!' and i think that because i gush too much about it, no one really knows how much i really like it.. i love it..

i think i should listen to it everyday at least once.. haha.. just like the old days.. how i miss them sometimes.. just leading a very simple life.. as a child.. a kid.. not knowing the ugliness of the world.. not feeling helpless to do anything about all the horrible and sad things all around me.. sigh.. how i wish to be rich.. so i can give the money to those who really need it.. how i wish to be a good scientist who will discover medicine to cure incurable diseases.. or maybe even to be an economist.. to think of new policies which are almost flawless.. which address both the efficieny problem and the problem of equity...

economics.. what an interesting subject.. but sometimes it's quite sad.. why is everything about efficiency? cold and clinical.. and more often than not equity is neglected.. it's just 'another side effect'.. what an unfair world.. nothing is perfect..

i really want to give something to impact the world positively..

hmm.. my sister is really quite mature now.. haha.. she just told me yesterday that she might have to repeat her o levels.. but she wasn't sad about it at all.. at least she didn't really look too upset.. so sensible.. she knows she didn't work hard at all.. what she said was that even if she passed her o levels she wouldn't be able to score well and get into the course of her choice.. she preferred wasting one year to wasting the rest of her life.. she would know better not to be lazy with this experience.. and she'd know how fast a year passes and do more work to improve.. to be able to be better.. and i thought, 'how sensible!'.. haha in an odd way i was really impressed actually..

and now my stupid sister is chasing me off so she can use the computer.. :|
Sunday, November 05, 2006

it's like.. what's happening to 'perfect life?'

now.. although there are good things that're coming in.. there are so many more problems.. happy but sad.. cos i'm quite a useless idiot.. and nothing i do will be enough.. and when i try again i can't change the way i do things.. or maybe i try to and fail.. again and again.. i'm like.. a failure.. but i can't even say that or risk an argument.. i can't complain..

i'm not aggressive anymore.. losing myself? inferiority complex.. and i hate being in yj too.. i wish i had gone somewhere else.. but then again i would be unhappy about some other lame things too.. and still look happy... losing the churchyness completely.. it does bother me actually.. every now and then i'll realise that.. .. is it real or fake? i dunno. though most of the time i think it's real..

and now i'm even losing my good friends.. or maybe i'm just being oversensitive.. i haven't talk to some in ages.. and those i still keep in touch with are not really including me in anymore.. i feel.. unwanted.. back to the emotions of sec 3 girl.. before they cheered me up again..

being good is bad.. excelling is failing.. failing is failing.. ..i'm a failure.. but i still wanna help others.. now.. i can't even do that much.. i'm like.. absolutely pathetic.. all the signs of depression.. ha..ha..